Da Bears

EXT. FOREST – NIGHT

Note: Isn’t it funny how forest is spelled forest, but the name Forrest is spelled Forrest?  So weird, right?  I guess it helps us distinguish between the two though, so that’s nice.

We’re in a forest.  It’s not really totally night yet.  It’s kinda twilight, but not Twilight.  (See?  Another neat spelling thing there.  When I capitalized Twilight, you knew what I was talking about.)  Anyways, it’s getting dark, but it’s still a pretty nice night without a lot of cloud cover so you can see mad stars (a lot of stars).  Also this forest is deciduous, but it doesn’t really matter.  There are some pine trees as well, but not a ton.  Just picture a forest at night, okay?

So we’re in this forest at night.  And there’s this Cub Scout Pack of some boys and their adult leader dude, the CUB MASTER.  He’s one of these dudes who has a real lame life, like as an accountant or something, and he uses the Cub Scouts to prove to kids he’s like the James Bond of woodsmen or whatever.  His name is probably Tom or something corny like that.  Jim.

They walk on a trail with like flashlights or lanterns or something (but not torches).

CUB MASTER
Boys, this is a first for us.  We’re the first ones to do this too.  It’s pretty great.  That lame-ass David would’ve never took you to do this.

CUB SCOUT #1
David died saving us from a forest fire last year, so…

CUB MASTER
So what?  He was a pussy.

CUB SCOUT #2
Um, he put out 60 acres by himself before he died.

CUB MASTER
First of all, they were hectares and if he was such a badass, then why is he dead.

CUB SCOUT #3 starts crying.

CUB SCOUT #1
David was Kyle’s father.

Long beat because a lot of people there forgot that shit.  Awkward Level 1,000,000,000.

CUB MASTER
Okay.  So what I meant to say is David would’ve wanted us to do this.

CUB SCOUT #3
Really?

CUB MASTER
Yeah.  Totally not a pussy.  Totally didn’t die in a forest fire like a lame.

CUB SCOUT #3
I’m going to cry again.

CUB MASTER
Well, don’t.  Because again, I was joking.

CUB SCOUT #1
You’re kind of a dick.

CUB MASTER
What did you just say?

CUB SCOUT #1
I said–

CUB SCOUT #2
Wait.  Cub Master, tell us why we’re going to spend the night in a cave?

CUT TO:

INT. CAVE – MOMENTS LATER
The Cub Master and the boys are in the cave now (time jump like in movies).

CUB SCOUT #2
Because this shit is fucking terrifying.

It is terrifying.  It’s a fucking cave.  In the middle of a remote forest.  And now it’s raining!

CUB SCOUT #1
And now it’s raining!

CUB MASTER
Guys!  Let’s not be pussies like David.

CUB SCOUT #3
What?

CUB MASTER
JK JK.
(to other boys)
Man, is this kid sensitive about his dead dad being a pussy and me being a way better Cub Master, or what?

The kids just stand there like WTF?  Can you believe this guy?  Etc.

CUB MASTER
Listen.  We’re in a den.  A real live bear den.  Because we’re Cub Scouts.  And cubs are baby bears.  And I’m the Cub Master, which means… the master baby bear.

The kids just stare at him like this is stupid and also dumb.

CUB MASTER
Look, it’s gonna be cool.  Like primal.  Getting in touch with our primal side.  Man stuff.  Awesome stuff.  I promise.  Everyone just get your sleeping bags out and shit.

The kids start doing that shit.  Cub Scout #3 is still bothered about earlier and tugs on the Cub Master’s shirt tail.

CUB SCOUT #3
Was my dad really a pussy?

CUB MASTER
Look, kid–

WHOA!

Just then a fucking bear rips the Cub Master’s head clean the fuck off and tears the shit out of him!

DUDE!

IT’S NUTS.

The kids look in horror and see 2 GIANT BEARS AT THE ENTRANCE OF THE CAVE!  (It’s still raining.)

BEAR #1
Rooooooooooaaaaarrrrr!

CUB SCOUTS
Aaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhh!

Then everyone freezes.  Then:

BEAR #2
(through it’s blood-soaked mouth)
Raaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwrrrrrr!

CUB SCOUTS
Aaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhh!

Then it’s so fucking on as the 2 bears rip apart all the Cub Scouts in short order.  One of the Cub Scouts tries to use waterproof matches, but they won’t light.  Shit.  Another tries to pull out a blade on his pocket knife.  It’s slow and rusty.

They die.

The 2 bears look over the carnage.

BEAR #1
Man, I hate when they think they’re actual bears and want to use an actual bear den/cave.

BEAR #2
Hahahaha.  Idiot humans.

The 2 bears share a hearty laugh.

BEAR #1
Man, this suit is so fucking hot.

BEAR #2
What?

BEAR #1
I’m sweating my balls off in here.  I’ve been wearing it for like 3 hours, tracking these fools.

Bear #1 takes off the head of his costume to reveal a fucking HUMAN BEING MAN.

BEAR #1
My name’s Tom.  You must be Johnny.

He extends his hand.

BEAR #2
Whoa, whoa, whoa.  What?  What’s happening?

BEAR #1
I’m Tom.

BEAR #2
Holy shit.  I think there’s been some misunderstanding.

BEAR #1
Wait.  I thought you were Johnny.  The guy who answered my Craigslist ad about dressing up in bear suits and hunting down Cub Scouts.  Ring a bell?
(off Bear #2’s blank stare)
No?  Nothing?

BEAR #2
No, man.  I’m a talking bear.  I don’t… I don’t understand.  Why would you do this?  You think this is some kind of joke?

BEAR #1
Come on, Johnny.  Tell me you’re Johnny.  I’m starting to freak out, man.  Just take off your head, man.

Bear #1 tries to take off Bear #2’s “head.”

Bear #2 freaks the fuck out (because he’s really just a talking bear) and tears Bear #1 (Tom) apart.  It’s gruesome.

BEAR #2
What the hell’s this world coming to?

Just then a third bear, Bear #3, shows up at the entrance of the cave.

BEAR #3
Hey, what’s up?  You must be Tom.  Damn, this costume is sweatier than a whore’s cotton panty panel.

BEAR #2
You must be Johnny.

We ZOOM IN on Bear #2’s snarly, fangy smile.

But before we see what happens, we just cut to black because it’s more mysterious to not know exactly what happened.  (He ripped Johnny apart, guesomely.)

THE END.