Archive for Kids

They Pulled Me Back In

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 10, 2012 by huntercovington

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

BLAKE STEEVENS, 57, is in the shower.  The hot, steamy water cascades over his face and hair and shoulder and down, eventually swirling into a drain that goes to who knows where.  He squirts some conditioner into his left hand because he already used shampoo — twice.  That’s the kind of guy Blake Steevens, 57, is.

Suddenly:

BLAKE

Son of a bitch!

Blake just got conditioner in his eye!  It stings.  He grimaces and wipes it out deftly.  To most men, this would be probably the most painful thing they’ve ever felt in their life.  But not Blake.  The camera tracks from his eye to a bullet wound scar in his neck, down to ten (10) more bullet wound scars variously placed on his torso.  Nuts.  And knife and sword scars.  The camera keeps moving down.  More and more scars until we get to his feet, which are basically just huge purple lumps of scar tissue because of all the badass shit he used to do.

To him, this conditioner in the eye was nothing.  Nothing at all.

BLAKE (V.O.)

I hate conditioner.

He did hate conditioner.

BLAKE (V.O.)

But due to my hair type, it’s a necessary part of my regimen.

It was.

BLAKE (V.O.)

And unfortunately, my two kids that I had with my wife have the same problem.  I use conditioner on my 3-month-old.  What a life.

What a life indeed.

Blake gets out of the shower and dries off with a hand towel because:

BLAKE (V.O.)

Craprockets.  Grabbed a hand towel instead of one of the shower sheets we bought this last weekend at Restoration.

Restoration Hardware is what he’s talking about.

He takes his time drying his balls because he has big balls because he’s tough.

He looks in the mirror.  He looks old.  But tough.  But still, old.

INT. BEDROOM – MOMENTS LATER

Blake, trying to cover his nuts with a hand towel.  His wife, MELINDA, 24, lays on the bed, sprawled out all sexy and shit.  She’s a minx/sex kitten/hot.  (That should be read like you pick one from each, such as: minx-kitten, minx-hot, sex-kitten, or sex-hot.  Thanks!)

MELINDA

Hey, tiger.

BLAKE (V.O.)

She was really into roleplaying me as Tiger Woods lately.  Sometimes she couldn’t even climax if we didn’t play 18 holes on Tiger Woods 2012 on the Wii first.  I’m getting too old for that shit.

He throws down the towel and turns on the Wii.  Melinda purrs.

BLAKE

Does that make you hot?

MELINDA

Me-ow.

BLAKE (V.O.)

Jesus.  I should’ve married an older woman.

BLAKE

I’m gonna grab a glass of water.  Go ahead and pick our players.

MELINDA

I’m going to be Vijay Singh!

Blake stops exiting and stares down the barrel of the camera.

BLAKE

Sounds… super hot.

INT. KITCHEN – MOMENTS LATER

Blake enters.  He just wants some water.  And to fuck his wife without having to play a video game first.  Besides, that shit hurts his shoulder.  It’s just as bad as real golf in that respect.  He takes a swig of water to wash away the pain.  It does.  Kinda.

Just then he hears a CRASH!

Oh no.

Normally a person would be freaked the fuck out by this.  But Blake isn’t a person who reacts in a normal way because he’s not a normal person.

He’s also still naked.

He immediately does a dive-roll through the kitchen, grabbing a 9mm pistol stashed in the drawer that has all the potatoes.

BLAKE (V.O.)

I’d been retired, put out to pasture, out of the game, for 20 years.  Undercover.  But as soon as I heard that sound, I was unretired.  Unput out to pasture.  I was un… undercover.

INT. CLOSET – MOMENTS LATER

Pitch black.

The door opens to reveal Blake.  We reverse to see a bunch of coats.

BLAKE

Crap.

INT. CLOSET #2 – MOMENTS LATER

Pitch black.

The door opens to reveal Blake.  We reverse to see a ton of machine guns and grenades and swords and shit.

BLAKE

Jackpot.

He sees a shadow move behind him.

Barely aiming, he murders the shadow with about 20 bullets.  He flips on the light to see the shadow was a lamp.  Oh well.  Felt good.

He sees some shit going on in the front yard.

He turns and the backyard is totally clear.

Figures are moving toward the front door.  He has to make his move.

Blake rushes out the back of the house, armed to the teeth.

BLAKE (V.O.)

They finally found me.  And they have to try to pull me back in.  They have to.  I don’t fault them.  And I hope God doesn’t either.

Blake totally cocks a gun on that last line.  So badass.

EXT. BACKYARD – CONTINUOUS

Blake sprints out the back toward the 6-foot privacy fence.  The house is filling with undercover covert ops type soldiers.  Fucking laser sights and shit everywhere.

BLAKE (V.O.)

I should’ve thought about my wife and kids first, but I’m not trained for that.  I’m trained for survival.  Besides, how can I protect them if I’m dead?  Or if they’re dead?

As Blake reaches the fence, soldiers flood out the back of the house.

Blake, heart-pounding, adrenaline surging, back in the game for the first time in 20 years, runs full speed at the fence and jumps–

SLAMMING into the fence and breaking his face!

It’s HORRIBLE.

BLOOD everyWHERE!

BLAKE (V.O.)

Oh my God, I’m so fucking old!

BLAKE

Oh my God, I’m so fucking old!

The soldiers slow their pursuit and aim their laser beam sights on Blake.

SOLDIER

Blake Steevens?

BLAKE

(through conditioner-in-eyes pain x 100)

Yeah?

SOLDIER

AKA The Pit Viper?

BLAKE

Uh-huh?

SOLDIER

AKA The Human Hand Grenade?

BLAKE

Okay?

SOLDIER

AKA The Big Colorado?

BLAKE

Yes.  It’s me.  You found me.  What do you want?

SOLDIER

We have orders to kill you.

BLAKE

Good luck.

SOLDIER

Thank you, sir.

The soldier shoots him in the face.  He dies.

BLACK.

THE END.

Kids Find Something

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 9, 2010 by huntercovington

EXT. FOREST – DAY

Establishing shot of a sweet tree fort.  Not the kind that a dad builds to prove some bullshit like he’s the master builder, but like an awesome version that a bunch of 9-year-old rad kids built.  Note: it’s not super-safe because 9-year-olds really built it.  I.E. don’t jump up and down inside.  Or do so at your own risk.

INT. TREE FORT – CONTINUOUS

Man, this place is cool.  But the kids are kinda young to have porn hanging up, so they have like pictures of tanks and really dope motorcycles.  There’s also a pretty good drawing of a dragon and some fire coming out of it’s mouth catching a Wal-Mart on fire.  (Note to props: I can draw dragons really well so don’t worry about getting someone else to do it.  I can do it.)

Anyway, the three super-cool 9-year-olds who built this shit are chilling like they do.  They are RILEY, blond, CARLOS, blackish hair, and EDDIE, red hair, but badass and not like a nerdy redhead.  This is how they chill:

CARLOS
I just don’t know why you drew the dragon burning down the Wal-Mart.  It’s like the only good store we have in our town.  It doesn’t make any sense to me.

EDDIE
I’m just really good at drawing Wal-Marts.

CARLOS
Oh.  I guess that makes a lot of sense to me now.

RILEY
Guys, are you done talking about the dragon drawing?

EDDIE
I think we’re done.

RILEY
Okay.  Well, there’s something I want to tell you guys…

Riley pauses to let this settle in.  Eddie and Carlos share a look: Riley is never this serious.  This must be big time.

RILEY
I found something the other day.

CARLOS
Is it a dead squirrel that choked to death on a Barbie doll head?

RILEY
No.

CARLOS
Good.  ‘Cause I already saw that shit.

EDDIE
Where do you think a squirrel got a Barbie doll head?

CARLOS
Prolly a little girl’s bedroom.

EDDIE
You’re probably right.

CARLOS
Yeah.

RILEY
Guys, are you done talking about the Barbie doll head?

EDDIE
I think so.

RILEY
Good.  Finally.  Anyways, I found this–

We cut him off using editing and then show this sweet shot of…

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST – LATER

The kids stand near this hole that’s been dug up by Riley.  There’s a metal missile-looking thing in the hole.  (Note to props: it’s a missile.)

RILEY
–Missile-looking thing.

CARLOS
Slap my ass and call me Sally!

RILEY
No.  This is serious.

EDDIE
Do you think the girl misses her Barbie doll head or do you think she has so many Barbies that she hasn’t even noticed yet?

RILEY
Are you fucking kidding me, Eddie?  Are you fucking kidding me?  You’re seriously pissing me off.  I found this missile-looking thing and it’s like you could–

Whoops.

Carlos just pressed the tip of the missile-looking thing.  And he didn’t mean to press it that hard because he was just curious (like a kid is), but he did.  Whoa.  Big mistake.  Like big time.

The whole fucking forest blows up and everyone dies.  Even birds.

FADE OUT.