Archive for Pedophiles

Happy Holidays (aka Christmas Miracles)

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 22, 2011 by huntercovington

INT. CARPORT – NIGHT

(I guess technically this could be an EXT., but you’re kind of “inside” the carport.  Man, I don’t know.  But you guys know what a carport is, right?  Cool, cool.  Let’s just figure this out later.)

It’s mid-to-late December and kind of cold as fuck, but not snowing because we’re actually in the desert.  (We should actually shoot this in the desert for real for authenticity.)  This carport is connected to a trailer, like a trailer house not a trailer car carrier or horse trailer or something.  (Which I guess brings up the point that this could all be EXT.  TRAILER – NIGHT obvi.)

Anyway, shit, none of that really matters.  It’s just like setting everything up and giving you the tone and everything.  So it’s night outside this trailer with a carport and we’re in the desert and it’s cold but no snow.  There.

Then all of the sudden…

BOOM!

SNOW EVERYWHERE.

Like blanketing shit.

Covering every.  Thing.

Insane.

CUT TO:

INT. TRAILER – CONTINUOUS

KID
Whoooooooooooaaaaaaaaaa!

This kid is watching out the window.  And he wasn’t expecting some sonic snow boom like that!  For real.  He was like “Oh maybe some cars will drive by or something.

But no.

He just saw as fucking holiday miracle of snow blanketing.

I cannot express enough how sweet this looked.  You’ve never seen anything like it.  Hell, I haven’t.  No one has.

Well, except this kid.  We’ll call him CHESTER ARTHUR.  He’s like 6 or something around there.  His parents subconsciously named him after our 21st President.

His mind/brain is still trying to process the beauty of this.

CHESTER ARTHUR
I don’t even get it.

Or he could say:

CHESTER ARTHUR
My brain just melted out both ears!

Either way.

He stumbles outside into the winter wonderland that wasn’t there like 20 seconds ago.

NOTE: His parents aren’t home because it’s the holidays and they run a meth lab down the road.  Needless to say, meth is in high demand during the holidays so they’re pulling double shifts and stuff.  Hard workers.  So Chester Arthur is home alone, but he has a robot dog to protect him.  Just kidding.  He has a shotgun and a for real samurai sword.

CUT TO:

EXT. TRAILER – CONTINUOUS

Chester Arthur steps out into this motherfucking beauty.  The most spectacular air he’s ever breathed fills his lungs like it’s fucking candy coated oxygen.

It feels like a dream, but also more authentic than anything he’s ever felt so he knows it’s not a dream.  (But still might be.  Just kidding again.  That was a fake out.  Sorry.)

CHESTER ARTHUR
Well, this Christmas Eve was super sucky because my parents had to go to work and they said I wasn’t getting any toys, but this snow rocks!

He’s for sure lying to himself.  He has to stop trying to kid people.

CHESTER ARTHUR
Who am I kidding?  I’m miserable and this snow is melting through my socks.

And it’s freezing.

His mind wonders for a beat.

CHESTER ARTHUR
Why does it cold in the desert?  What they teach you about deserts in school is bullshit.

VOICE
Hey!

Whoa!  A voice rings out.

Chester Arthur turns and looks.  It’s a dude in a car.

DUDE IN A CAR
I don’t want to hear that language from you, young man.

CHESTER ARTHUR
Who are you?  And before you answer, please consider telling the truth because I have a shotgun and a sword forged by the hand of Hatori Hanzo.

He was obviously bluffing about the Hatori Hanzo sword.  He’d just seen Kill Bill a bunch even though it’s not age-appropriate.

DUDE IN A CAR
Easy there, kid.  I’m just wanting you to not curse.  And also point me to the nearest gas station.

CHESTER ARTHUR
Cool.  Why don’t I just ride with you there?

The dude is like WHAT?  NO.  Because of how it would look if he took the kid.  Chester Arthur reads this on his face.

CHESTER ARTHUR
It’s cool.  I don’t have shit– sorry, crap to do.  And I’ll take my shotgun and sword in case you try to pull any bullshit– sorry bullcrap on me.  I’ve already killed 3 pedophiles this year.  What do I care about a forth?

I think this thing is actually true, but no one wants to press charges against him, so it’s kind of muddy.  Anyway, we’ll just assume it’s true.

DUDE IN A CAR
Alright, I guess.

CUT TO:

EXT. GAS STATION – LATER

Dude pumps his gas as Chester Arthur checks that his shotgun is in working order.

It’s kind of surreal but not like Salvador Dali surreal.  Just kind of weird I guess.

Dude finishes putting the gas in the car’s gas tank, then walks up and knocks on Chester Arthur’s window.

Chester Arthur rolls it down, but just enough to put the shotgun out.

DUDE IN A CAR
Easy.  I just wanted to know if you wanted anything in the store.

CHESTER ARTHUR
Sure.

DUDE IN A CAR
Please leave the weapons in the car.  You look like an asshole.

True.  He does.

So he leaves them and gets out.

CUT TO:

INT. GAS STATION – MOMENTS LATER

Dude and Chester Arthur are in there and stuff.  Chester Arthur is looking at toys, but the dude is like:

DUDE IN A CAR
Whoa.  I thought maybe like a candy bar or a soda.  Not like a toy.

CHESTER ARTHUR
But…

DUDE IN A CAR
But what?

CHESTER ARTHUR
Nothing.

DUDE IN A CAR
No, what?

CHESTER ARTHUR
Nothing.

DUDE IN A CAR
Tell me.

CHESTER ARTHUR
No.

DUDE IN A CAR
Come on.

CHESTER ARTHUR
No way.

DUDE IN A CAR
Kid…

CHESTER ARTHUR
It’s embarrassing.

DUDE IN A CAR
Embarrassing?  You’re talking to a dude who once slammed his nutsack in the shower door.
(off Chester Arthur’s look)
It’s complicated.  Just tell me.

CHESTER ARTHUR
Fine.  My parents aren’t getting me anything for Christmas.

DUDE IN A CAR
Why are you Jewish?

CHESTER ARTHUR
No!  Because they’re fucking meth dealers and assholes!

DUDE IN A CAR
Easy.  They’re still your parents.

CHESTER ARTHUR
I know!  That’s how I know they’re fucking meth dealers and assholes!

DUDE IN A CAR
Good point.

The dude takes this in.  It’s pretty fucking heavy.

CHESTER ARTHUR
I guess I’ll just take a Snickers and Coke.

He’s down as fuck.

DUDE IN A CAR
Tell you what, kid.  You can have whatever you want.  On me.  I’ll be your Santa Claus.

CHESTER ARTHUR
I’ll get the shotgun and blow your guts through your back if you so much as–

DUDE IN A CAR
No, I mean I’ll buy you stuff like they’re presents from Santa Claus.

CHESTER ARTHUR
Oh, cool!

Chester Arthur runs around grabbing things he loves.

It’s beautiful.

Then the CASHIER walks up to the dude.

CASHIER
Hey, you’re not going to fuck that kid, are you?

DUDE IN A CAR
No.

CASHIER
Cool.  We’ve had some problems with that around here.  Specifically with that kid.  He’s really cute.

The cashier touches his wiener through his jeans and moans like a complete creepshow.

The dude does not even fucking hesitate and kills the cashier for being such a sick fuck pedophile.

This is getting a lot heavier than I thought it would get.

Anyway.

CUT TO:

INT. TRAILER – LATER

Chester Arthur is frollicking like a motherfucker with all the shit the dude bought him from the gas station.  (The dude paid for it even though he killed the cashier because he’s a gentleman.)

CHESTER ARTHUR
Woo-hoooooo!  Best Christmas ever!

We see the dude watching him through the window.  A single tear forms in his eye and he wipes it away and tastes it.  Yep.  It’s a tear of joy.  It tastes good.

EXT. TRAILER – CONTINUOUS

As the dude turns to walk away, we see light glint off his necklace, which is a… STAR OF DAVID BECAUSE HE’S JEWISH!

Mind blow.

EVEN THOUGH THE DUDE IS JEWISH HE STILL NEW THIS FUCKING KID NEEDED CHRISTMAS PRESENTS BECAUSE ALL KIDS NEED CHRISTMAS PRESENTS BECAUSE THEY’RE USUALLY TOYS AND KIDS LOVE TOYS.

He gets in his car and drives away, knowing this kid is super happy and totally getting it even though he never celebrated Christmas as a kid.

In the background, a meth lab blows up, mushroom-clouding in the sky.  It’s glorious.

Chester Arthur runs to the window and sees it.

He takes it in.

He knows his parents were in there.

But they were assholes.

He doesn’t cry.

He just says:

CHESTER ARTHUR
NOW it’s the best Christmas ever!

Note: there are several good examples of Christmas Miracles in this.  Pretty cool.

THE END.

Chicks Drinking Red Wine

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on February 3, 2010 by huntercovington

INT. COUNTRY CLUB SITTING AROUND AREA – DAY

A bunch of ladies are sitting around in the area designated for sitting around.  They are as follows: CARLA, 44, kinda boring, but nice legs.  BILLIE, 44, big boobs, small frame (very rare).  MINDY, 44, big boobs but heavy.  And finally BRENDA, 45, big boobs, but strong-looking.

They drink wine which is served to them by some high school boy wearing khaki shorts and hair gel.  He drops off the wine glasses and leaves.

MINDY
Mmm-mmm.  In two years, that boy will be ripe for the pickin’.

CARLA
That boy is 14.  So in 2 years he’ll only be 16.

MINDY
Exactly.

(Great and funny math joke.)

BILLIE
She’s kind of a pedophile, but that’s okay because nowadays society calls ladies like her “cougars.”

LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH!  Billie just killed it with that joke.

MINDY
I do like ’em young.

She does cat claws, which is apparently hilarious to this bunch of women.

MINDY
Meow!

More laughs.  God they are cracking each other up!

BRENDA
This day is just hilarious.  I’m glad I made friends with you all.

BILLIE
I’m glad you gave me that dollar off coupon for dish soap!

CARLA
I’m glad the French decided to make this Bordeaux!

Holy shit!  Another hilarious joke.  These women literally couldn’t be having a better time.

TIME DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. COUNTRY CLUB VALET – LATER

All the women’s teeth are purple because they drank a ton of wine because they don’t have jobs and their rich husbands work while they drink a ton of wine and crack wise.

BILLIE
Man, what’s the legal limit for boozin’ and cruisin’?

CARLA
Point oh eight.

MINDY
More like point oh great!

So hilarious!  So much laughter again.  No one is worried about driving drunk, btw.  And they are all drunk.

BILLIE
Well, let’s get our cars from the sexy Latin valet.

They all look at Mindy.

MINDY
What?  He’s too old for me.

We ANGLE ON the HOT LATIN VALET.  He’s really cute and also reading a textbook that says “12th Grade American History – 4th Period.”

CARLA
You’re terrible, Mindy.

She is.  And they all laugh again.  Fuck, I wish I could hang out with these chicks.

BRENDA
I’ll catch up later, ladies.  I gotta take a dump.
(off their looks)
JK, JK, I was being like a dude.

All the ladies chuckle — Brenda is so funny and “gets it.”  They all think about how lucky they are to have met Brenda and become friends with her.  Then they cross to the valet stand while Brenda crosses to the bathroom.

CUT TO:

INT. LADY BATHROOM – MOMENTS LATER

Brenda comes out of a stall and crosses to the sink.  She splashes her face, washing off some serious make up to REVEAL:

BRENDA’S A DUDE!

WHOA!

REVELATION!  (The plot thickens.)

Brenda (now to be called BRENDAN) takes off his wig and stares at himself in the mirror.  He is happy with himself.

BRENDAN
Now I know their secrets.  And I will have sex with them one by one.

Just then another CHICK comes out of a stall.

CHICK
What the fuck are you going in here?  And why the fuck are you wearing a dress from last season?

BRENDAN
My bad.

Brendan exits.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Probably.