EXT. CAMPSITE – NIGHT
It’s so dark out here!
It’s a full moon also and there are a ton of stars in the sky. Like as many as in those night sky shots they do on Survivor. It almost looks fake (and it probably will be unless we pay those Survivor cameramen).
There’s like a tent and a pretty decent fire and stuff. It’s camping. If you’ve never gone camping, you’re not going to get it at all. Don’t even try to Google camping images because it won’t make any sense to you.
Whatever. There are two couples. Just for simplicity, all four of them are 19. (Two couples = four people.) The first couples’ names are CLARK and CINDY and then the other couples’ names are TODD and TIFFANY. It is not lost on them that each person’s name in a particular couple starts with the same letter as the person they’re with. But this doesn’t really have anything to do with the story. Or does it? It doesn’t.
So here we go:
CINDY
I really like drinking wine by a campfire.
TIFFANY
Me too.
CINDY
I wish we had some fancy cheese!
The girls giggle. The dudes are like, “This is some bullshit.”
CLARK
(quietly to Todd)
Man, I thought camping equaled boning.
TODD
That’s what I thought!
CLARK
Well, apparently it doesn’t.
TODD
I know!
CLARK
Dude, calm down.
TODD
You’re right.
CLARK
We should totally smoke a joint.
TODD
The chicks aren’t gonna like that.
CLARK
Watch this.
(to ladies)
Ladies.
He totally gets their attention using his man-voice.
CINDY
Yes, dahling.
TIFFANY
Ha! I love when you put h’s in the place of r’s! It’s like a great character-y thing you do.
CINDY
I know.
CLARK
If you ladies are done, and even if you aren’t, I just wanted you to know that me and the Toddster–
Todd shakes his head. He fucking hates being called the Toddster. He’s always hated it.
CLARK
Sorry, Todd. Me and Todd are going to get some more firewood. Peace.
TODD
Peace.
The two dudes bail. The girls really don’t care and ad-lib some more bullshit about wine and cheese. Very uninteresting stuff.
CUT TO:
EXT. WOODS – MOMENTS LATER
Clark and Todd walk. It’s dark and woodsy. Both dudes carry some wood and also hatchets and/or axes (whatever makes more sense for props).
TODD
Seriously, that was awesome.
CLARK
Thanks.
TODD
Except for the Toddster thing.
CLARK
Yeah, that was my bad.
TODD
It’s all good. The important thing is we smoked that joint and we’ve both got wood!
Man, that was hilarious! Clark and Todd crack up, but it’s all raspy from the pot-smoking.
CLARK
Great joke.
TODD
Thanks. It wasn’t really a joke, though. It was more just an observation.
CLARK
Whatever the fuck it was, it was funny.
TODD
Thanks. Sincerely.
CUT TO:
EXT. CAMPSITE – CONTINUOUS
The girls are giggling, but heard some weird noises so they stopped.
TIFFANY
Holy crap! What’s that noises?
CINDY
You mean “what are those noises?”
TIFFANY
What? Don’t be an asshole. I’m scared. Here. Take this.
Tiffany hands Cindy a really sweet knife that would give Rambo a knife-boner (hard to do). (Incidentally, the knife is so sweet that it would make Crocodile Dundee reassess what exactly he calls a knife and not a knife.)
TIFFANY
My dad gave me 2 of these in case I ever went camping and I got scared because of noises.
CINDY
Didn’t your dad die before you were born?
TIFFANY
Yes. He was big on planning though.
CINDY
I’ll say.
They sit quietly for a beat.
TIFFANY
Well, I for one don’t want to sit here and wait for someone to come kill us while our boyfriends are out either dicking around or dicking each other.
CINDY
Okay.
TIFFANY
Let’s find out what the shit is going down out in them there woods.
(off Cindy’s look)
Sometimes when I’m nervous I talk like an old person.
CUT TO:
EXT. WOODS – MOMENTS LATER
Tiffany and Cindy walk in the darkness, their super sweet knives gleaming in the moon and starlight.
They see two figures coming toward them.
Without even saying anything, Tiffany screams and charges with her knife held high.
TIFFANY
Aaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhh!
One of the figures totally dodges her and kicks her hard in the back as she passes him. She totally eats shit into the ground and wet leaves totally get in her mouth and dirt in her braces.
FIGURE
What the hell? It’s me, Todd.
We now see it is Todd.
TIFFANY
Oh. My bad.
They look over and see that Cindy has already STABBED CLARK TO DEATH!
TODD
What the hell?!
CINDY
Whoops.
Clark wants to say, “Whoops?! That’s all you got is whoops?!” But he’s already dead.
Tiffany and Todd stare at her like, “Seriously?! Did you seriously just kill your boyfriend?!”
Cindy looks back at them like, “Yeah. Yeah, that’s exactly what I did.”
Then Cindy makes an emotional turn, trying to lighten the mood and stark reality of the situation:
CINDY
Heeeeeeey. Let’s never talk about this again.
TIFFANY
Agreed.
TODD
Totally.
And they never talked about it again.
THE END.
EPIC Screenplays 