Archive for Twist Ending

Da Bears

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on June 20, 2011 by huntercovington

EXT. FOREST – NIGHT

Note: Isn’t it funny how forest is spelled forest, but the name Forrest is spelled Forrest?  So weird, right?  I guess it helps us distinguish between the two though, so that’s nice.

We’re in a forest.  It’s not really totally night yet.  It’s kinda twilight, but not Twilight.  (See?  Another neat spelling thing there.  When I capitalized Twilight, you knew what I was talking about.)  Anyways, it’s getting dark, but it’s still a pretty nice night without a lot of cloud cover so you can see mad stars (a lot of stars).  Also this forest is deciduous, but it doesn’t really matter.  There are some pine trees as well, but not a ton.  Just picture a forest at night, okay?

So we’re in this forest at night.  And there’s this Cub Scout Pack of some boys and their adult leader dude, the CUB MASTER.  He’s one of these dudes who has a real lame life, like as an accountant or something, and he uses the Cub Scouts to prove to kids he’s like the James Bond of woodsmen or whatever.  His name is probably Tom or something corny like that.  Jim.

They walk on a trail with like flashlights or lanterns or something (but not torches).

CUB MASTER
Boys, this is a first for us.  We’re the first ones to do this too.  It’s pretty great.  That lame-ass David would’ve never took you to do this.

CUB SCOUT #1
David died saving us from a forest fire last year, so…

CUB MASTER
So what?  He was a pussy.

CUB SCOUT #2
Um, he put out 60 acres by himself before he died.

CUB MASTER
First of all, they were hectares and if he was such a badass, then why is he dead.

CUB SCOUT #3 starts crying.

CUB SCOUT #1
David was Kyle’s father.

Long beat because a lot of people there forgot that shit.  Awkward Level 1,000,000,000.

CUB MASTER
Okay.  So what I meant to say is David would’ve wanted us to do this.

CUB SCOUT #3
Really?

CUB MASTER
Yeah.  Totally not a pussy.  Totally didn’t die in a forest fire like a lame.

CUB SCOUT #3
I’m going to cry again.

CUB MASTER
Well, don’t.  Because again, I was joking.

CUB SCOUT #1
You’re kind of a dick.

CUB MASTER
What did you just say?

CUB SCOUT #1
I said–

CUB SCOUT #2
Wait.  Cub Master, tell us why we’re going to spend the night in a cave?

CUT TO:

INT. CAVE – MOMENTS LATER
The Cub Master and the boys are in the cave now (time jump like in movies).

CUB SCOUT #2
Because this shit is fucking terrifying.

It is terrifying.  It’s a fucking cave.  In the middle of a remote forest.  And now it’s raining!

CUB SCOUT #1
And now it’s raining!

CUB MASTER
Guys!  Let’s not be pussies like David.

CUB SCOUT #3
What?

CUB MASTER
JK JK.
(to other boys)
Man, is this kid sensitive about his dead dad being a pussy and me being a way better Cub Master, or what?

The kids just stand there like WTF?  Can you believe this guy?  Etc.

CUB MASTER
Listen.  We’re in a den.  A real live bear den.  Because we’re Cub Scouts.  And cubs are baby bears.  And I’m the Cub Master, which means… the master baby bear.

The kids just stare at him like this is stupid and also dumb.

CUB MASTER
Look, it’s gonna be cool.  Like primal.  Getting in touch with our primal side.  Man stuff.  Awesome stuff.  I promise.  Everyone just get your sleeping bags out and shit.

The kids start doing that shit.  Cub Scout #3 is still bothered about earlier and tugs on the Cub Master’s shirt tail.

CUB SCOUT #3
Was my dad really a pussy?

CUB MASTER
Look, kid–

WHOA!

Just then a fucking bear rips the Cub Master’s head clean the fuck off and tears the shit out of him!

DUDE!

IT’S NUTS.

The kids look in horror and see 2 GIANT BEARS AT THE ENTRANCE OF THE CAVE!  (It’s still raining.)

BEAR #1
Rooooooooooaaaaarrrrr!

CUB SCOUTS
Aaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhh!

Then everyone freezes.  Then:

BEAR #2
(through it’s blood-soaked mouth)
Raaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwrrrrrr!

CUB SCOUTS
Aaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhh!

Then it’s so fucking on as the 2 bears rip apart all the Cub Scouts in short order.  One of the Cub Scouts tries to use waterproof matches, but they won’t light.  Shit.  Another tries to pull out a blade on his pocket knife.  It’s slow and rusty.

They die.

The 2 bears look over the carnage.

BEAR #1
Man, I hate when they think they’re actual bears and want to use an actual bear den/cave.

BEAR #2
Hahahaha.  Idiot humans.

The 2 bears share a hearty laugh.

BEAR #1
Man, this suit is so fucking hot.

BEAR #2
What?

BEAR #1
I’m sweating my balls off in here.  I’ve been wearing it for like 3 hours, tracking these fools.

Bear #1 takes off the head of his costume to reveal a fucking HUMAN BEING MAN.

BEAR #1
My name’s Tom.  You must be Johnny.

He extends his hand.

BEAR #2
Whoa, whoa, whoa.  What?  What’s happening?

BEAR #1
I’m Tom.

BEAR #2
Holy shit.  I think there’s been some misunderstanding.

BEAR #1
Wait.  I thought you were Johnny.  The guy who answered my Craigslist ad about dressing up in bear suits and hunting down Cub Scouts.  Ring a bell?
(off Bear #2’s blank stare)
No?  Nothing?

BEAR #2
No, man.  I’m a talking bear.  I don’t… I don’t understand.  Why would you do this?  You think this is some kind of joke?

BEAR #1
Come on, Johnny.  Tell me you’re Johnny.  I’m starting to freak out, man.  Just take off your head, man.

Bear #1 tries to take off Bear #2’s “head.”

Bear #2 freaks the fuck out (because he’s really just a talking bear) and tears Bear #1 (Tom) apart.  It’s gruesome.

BEAR #2
What the hell’s this world coming to?

Just then a third bear, Bear #3, shows up at the entrance of the cave.

BEAR #3
Hey, what’s up?  You must be Tom.  Damn, this costume is sweatier than a whore’s cotton panty panel.

BEAR #2
You must be Johnny.

We ZOOM IN on Bear #2’s snarly, fangy smile.

But before we see what happens, we just cut to black because it’s more mysterious to not know exactly what happened.  (He ripped Johnny apart, guesomely.)

THE END.

Advertisements

The Stabbing

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2010 by huntercovington

EXT. CAMPSITE – NIGHT

It’s so dark out here!

It’s a full moon also and there are a ton of stars in the sky.  Like as many as in those night sky shots they do on Survivor.  It almost looks fake (and it probably will be unless we pay those Survivor cameramen).

There’s like a tent and a pretty decent fire and stuff.  It’s camping.  If you’ve never gone camping, you’re not going to get it at all.  Don’t even try to Google camping images because it won’t make any sense to you.

Whatever.  There are two couples.  Just for simplicity, all four of them are 19.  (Two couples = four people.)  The first couples’ names are CLARK and CINDY and then the other couples’ names are TODD and TIFFANY.  It is not lost on them that each person’s name in a particular couple starts with the same letter as the person they’re with.  But this doesn’t really have anything to do with the story.  Or does it?  It doesn’t.

So here we go:

CINDY
I really like drinking wine by a campfire.

TIFFANY
Me too.

CINDY
I wish we had some fancy cheese!

The girls giggle.  The dudes are like, “This is some bullshit.”

CLARK
(quietly to Todd)
Man, I thought camping equaled boning.

TODD
That’s what I thought!

CLARK
Well, apparently it doesn’t.

TODD
I know!

CLARK
Dude, calm down.

TODD
You’re right.

CLARK
We should totally smoke a joint.

TODD
The chicks aren’t gonna like that.

CLARK
Watch this.
(to ladies)
Ladies.

He totally gets their attention using his man-voice.

CINDY
Yes, dahling.

TIFFANY
Ha!  I love when you put h’s in the place of r’s!  It’s like a great character-y thing you do.

CINDY
I know.

CLARK
If you ladies are done, and even if you aren’t, I just wanted you to know that me and the Toddster–

Todd shakes his head.  He fucking hates being called the Toddster.  He’s always hated it.

CLARK
Sorry, Todd.  Me and Todd are going to get some more firewood.  Peace.

TODD
Peace.

The two dudes bail.  The girls really don’t care and ad-lib some more bullshit about wine and cheese.  Very uninteresting stuff.

CUT TO:

EXT. WOODS – MOMENTS LATER

Clark and Todd walk.  It’s dark and woodsy.  Both dudes carry some wood and also hatchets and/or axes (whatever makes more sense for props).

TODD
Seriously, that was awesome.

CLARK
Thanks.

TODD
Except for the Toddster thing.

CLARK
Yeah, that was my bad.

TODD
It’s all good.  The important thing is we smoked that joint and we’ve both got wood!

Man, that was hilarious!  Clark and Todd crack up, but it’s all raspy from the pot-smoking.

CLARK
Great joke.

TODD
Thanks.  It wasn’t really a joke, though.  It was more just an observation.

CLARK
Whatever the fuck it was, it was funny.

TODD
Thanks.  Sincerely.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPSITE – CONTINUOUS

The girls are giggling, but heard some weird noises so they stopped.

TIFFANY
Holy crap!  What’s that noises?

CINDY
You mean “what are those noises?”

TIFFANY
What?  Don’t be an asshole.  I’m scared.  Here.  Take this.

Tiffany hands Cindy a really sweet knife that would give Rambo a knife-boner (hard to do).  (Incidentally, the knife is so sweet that it would make Crocodile Dundee reassess what exactly he calls a knife and not a knife.)

TIFFANY
My dad gave me 2 of these in case I ever went camping and I got scared because of noises.

CINDY
Didn’t your dad die before you were born?

TIFFANY
Yes.  He was big on planning though.

CINDY
I’ll say.

They sit quietly for a beat.

TIFFANY
Well, I for one don’t want to sit here and wait for someone to come kill us while our boyfriends are out either dicking around or dicking each other.

CINDY
Okay.

TIFFANY
Let’s find out what the shit is going down out in them there woods.
(off Cindy’s look)
Sometimes when I’m nervous I talk like an old person.

CUT TO:

EXT. WOODS – MOMENTS LATER

Tiffany and Cindy walk in the darkness, their super sweet knives gleaming in the moon and starlight.

They see two figures coming toward them.

Without even saying anything, Tiffany screams and charges with her knife held high.

TIFFANY
Aaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhh!

One of the figures totally dodges her and kicks her hard in the back as she passes him.  She totally eats shit into the ground and wet leaves totally get in her mouth and dirt in her braces.

FIGURE
What the hell?  It’s me, Todd.

We now see it is Todd.

TIFFANY
Oh.  My bad.

They look over and see that Cindy has already STABBED CLARK TO DEATH!

TODD
What the hell?!

CINDY
Whoops.

Clark wants to say, “Whoops?!  That’s all you got is whoops?!”  But he’s already dead.

Tiffany and Todd stare at her like, “Seriously?!  Did you seriously just kill your boyfriend?!”

Cindy looks back at them like, “Yeah.  Yeah, that’s exactly what I did.”

Then Cindy makes an emotional turn, trying to lighten the mood and stark reality of the situation:

CINDY
Heeeeeeey.  Let’s never talk about this again.

TIFFANY
Agreed.

TODD
Totally.

And they never talked about it again.

THE END.

Jesus Eats at Denny’s

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on February 17, 2010 by huntercovington

INT. DENNY’S – MORNING

If you’ve never eaten at Denny’s, you’re either a terrorist or an asshole (more than likely you’re both).

Anyway, these two dudes are nursing coffees because they were raging all night.  Their names are CHAD and TEDWARD.  Just kidding.  No one is named Tedward.  His name is EDWARD.  So Chad and Edward, right?  Yep.  They’re like 20 and in college and raging all night is basically what they do.

They have food in front of them, but they’re totally not in the mood and pretty much just wasted like $5.99 each on that shit.  (I’m not going to get into specifics of what they ordered, but I know people are gonna speculate that it’s MOONS OVER MY HAMMY or whatever it’s called.  Neither one of them ordered that shit.  Seriously.)

CHAD
Man, we raged so hard last night.

EDWARD
I know.  And one night after we said we were never going to stay out raging all night.

CHAD
I know.  Jagermeister doesn’t taste good, but I like the way it makes me drunk.

EDWARD
I know.  Man.

CHAD
Right?

EDWARD
Right.

Anyone overhearing this conversation basically wants to blow their fucking brains out.  Seriously.

Whatever.  Just then they look over to the next table and this guy who looks EXACTLY like JESUS is eating.  (No, not Moon Over My Hammy.)  We’ll call him JESUS even though at this point we don’t know if he’s really Jesus or not.

Chad punches Edward in the arm really hard.

EDWARD
Dude, I know.  I see him.

CHAD
You think it’s really him?

EDWARD
Only one way to find out.

Edward kind of half-waves to Jesus (again, we don’t really know if it is or isn’t Jesus at this point).

EDWARD
Hey, man.  Can I ask you a question?

Before Jesus can even answer.  (Possibly really Jesus, possibly not.)

EDWARD
Are you Jesus?

JESUS
You know what?  I’m just a simple carpenter trying to eat my breakfast and I have to deal with your questions.  If you would’ve let me answer your first question–

EDWARD
The question where I asked if I could ask you a question?

JESUS
Yes, that one.  I would’ve said no.  I’m sorry I had to teach you a lesson about letting someone answer a question before asking them another one, but you needed to be taught.  Good day.

Jesus stands up to leave.  He tosses some coins on the table to pay the bill and storms out.  (I can’t emphasize enough that we don’t know if it’s really Jesus or not.)

CHAD
Way to go, Edward.

EDWARD
Shut up.

Just then they look at the coins on the table and they realize they’re really old coins from the SAME TIME AS WHEN JESUS WAS ALIVE!!!

Holy crap!  It really was Jesus!

CHAD
Holy crap!  It really was Jesus!

EDWARD
Holy crap!  It really was Jesus!

(It really was Jesus.)

THE END.